Look, I'm Not Retarded. I Can Add Single Digits.
You know you're in a really bad mood when you bother fighting with the liquor store guy who barely speaks English.
On my way to Claire's house last night, I stopped to pick up a pack of smokes (I know, it's a dirty, rotten, horrible habit, isn't it.) I opted to go to a liquor store I rarely go to, but is on the way to Claire's. When I walk in there are two signs prominently displayed on the counter: one reading "Camels - But Two Get One Free!" and the other reading "Camels - $3.96." So I ask for the two-for-one deal. The liquor store guy says, "$11.00."
I say, "but your sign says Camels are $3.96. And buy-two-get-one-free?"
Guy says, "yes, Camels are $3.96 per pack. Two-for-one is $11."
"Wait, I don't understand, you sign says Camels are $3.96 a pack. Your other sign says Camels are buy-two-get-one-free. Therefore the Camels should be three packs for $8."
"No. Camels per pack are $3.96. Camels buy-two-get-one-free are $11.00"
"Ok. I want a pack of cigarettes. How much?"
"$3.96."
"Ok. I want two packs of cigarettes. How much?"
"$7.92. Plus tax."
"Ok. I want the buy-two-get-one-free deal. How much?"
"$11.00."
"So let me get this straight, your buy-two-get-one-free deal is a lie."
"No. Camels are buy-two-get-one-free. $11.00."
"Ok, let me explain something to you. Your signs read buy-two-get-one-free and one is $3.96. Now if I buy two packs, it's $7.92."
"Plus tax."
"Right, whatever, let me finish. So one pack is $4. Two packs are $8. Buy buy-two-get-one-free and the price is $11."
"Yes. Are you buying cigarettes or not."
"I said let me finish. So you should take your sign down then. Because it's a blatant lie, see. If the cigarettes were actually buy-two-get-one-free then it would cost me $8 to get three packs."
"No, no, three packs are $12."
"Yeah, so your sign is a lie."
"No, buy-two-get-one-free is $11."
"Ok, look, I'm not retarded. I get that there is a discount on the smokes. All I'm saying is your sign is lying by claiming the smokes are buy-two-get-one-free when they are in fact, like, 5% off. Your signs say the smokes are $3.96 or buy-two-get-one-free, which would mean you should be selling me three packs of smokes for, like, $8."
"Three packs of smokes? $12."
"LOOK - your sign says smokes are $3.96 a pack AND buy-two-get-one-free. I want my smokes. I want three packs. And I want it to cost $8."
"You want three packs of smokes? $12."
"Ok. Look. Fine. I'll take one pack of smokes. Here is $3.96."
"$4.30. Plus tax."
"Fine. Fine. Fine. Here's your $4.30, give me my smokes." I begin to walk out after I've had a very long day and was already in a very bad mood which prompted me to be unforgivably rude to the poor foreigner who's just trying to get by and you know is hassled more than he ought to be because his store is on Divisadero. I know all this, but it didn't stop me from screaming back at him, with a long line of customers waiting, "AND TAKE DOWN YOUR FUCKING LYING SIGN YOU LYING MOTHERFUCKER."
Poor guy.
On my way to Claire's house last night, I stopped to pick up a pack of smokes (I know, it's a dirty, rotten, horrible habit, isn't it.) I opted to go to a liquor store I rarely go to, but is on the way to Claire's. When I walk in there are two signs prominently displayed on the counter: one reading "Camels - But Two Get One Free!" and the other reading "Camels - $3.96." So I ask for the two-for-one deal. The liquor store guy says, "$11.00."
I say, "but your sign says Camels are $3.96. And buy-two-get-one-free?"
Guy says, "yes, Camels are $3.96 per pack. Two-for-one is $11."
"Wait, I don't understand, you sign says Camels are $3.96 a pack. Your other sign says Camels are buy-two-get-one-free. Therefore the Camels should be three packs for $8."
"No. Camels per pack are $3.96. Camels buy-two-get-one-free are $11.00"
"Ok. I want a pack of cigarettes. How much?"
"$3.96."
"Ok. I want two packs of cigarettes. How much?"
"$7.92. Plus tax."
"Ok. I want the buy-two-get-one-free deal. How much?"
"$11.00."
"So let me get this straight, your buy-two-get-one-free deal is a lie."
"No. Camels are buy-two-get-one-free. $11.00."
"Ok, let me explain something to you. Your signs read buy-two-get-one-free and one is $3.96. Now if I buy two packs, it's $7.92."
"Plus tax."
"Right, whatever, let me finish. So one pack is $4. Two packs are $8. Buy buy-two-get-one-free and the price is $11."
"Yes. Are you buying cigarettes or not."
"I said let me finish. So you should take your sign down then. Because it's a blatant lie, see. If the cigarettes were actually buy-two-get-one-free then it would cost me $8 to get three packs."
"No, no, three packs are $12."
"Yeah, so your sign is a lie."
"No, buy-two-get-one-free is $11."
"Ok, look, I'm not retarded. I get that there is a discount on the smokes. All I'm saying is your sign is lying by claiming the smokes are buy-two-get-one-free when they are in fact, like, 5% off. Your signs say the smokes are $3.96 or buy-two-get-one-free, which would mean you should be selling me three packs of smokes for, like, $8."
"Three packs of smokes? $12."
"LOOK - your sign says smokes are $3.96 a pack AND buy-two-get-one-free. I want my smokes. I want three packs. And I want it to cost $8."
"You want three packs of smokes? $12."
"Ok. Look. Fine. I'll take one pack of smokes. Here is $3.96."
"$4.30. Plus tax."
"Fine. Fine. Fine. Here's your $4.30, give me my smokes." I begin to walk out after I've had a very long day and was already in a very bad mood which prompted me to be unforgivably rude to the poor foreigner who's just trying to get by and you know is hassled more than he ought to be because his store is on Divisadero. I know all this, but it didn't stop me from screaming back at him, with a long line of customers waiting, "AND TAKE DOWN YOUR FUCKING LYING SIGN YOU LYING MOTHERFUCKER."
Poor guy.
posted by La Doña at 1:10 PM
4 Comments:
More reasons not to smoke.
I heart stupid ass liquor store guys. They really make the world go round.
One time when I was like, 13, I went into a shop to try to buy a porno mag. The guy was like, when were you born? Being 13, I added the appropriate number to the year of birth.
He replied - "you have to be 18."
So I walked out. Once outside, I realized that the age I gave him would have made me 19. I walk back in.
"But I said 1973! That makes me 19."
"Oh." And with that, the copy of Club International (ooh la la - I had international tastes in women, even then) was mine.
Point of story: Only jackasses with reduced mental capacity run liquor stores.
3 packs?
Another reason not to buy 3 packs. You know that you will finish all of them before they start to go stale...
Not that I am encouraging anything but I am sure you can get a much much much better deal at Baja Duty Free in 2 weeks.
Yay! Tijuana!!!!
OK look people - it's not that I really wanted the three packs. But I have accepted my smoking to a certain extent and if I can pay for my habit more cheaply, I'm going to do it. And if you don't unwrap the smokes, they will stay fresh for a week and a half (as in, how long it would take me to smoke them.)
Besides - you're missing the point of the story.
Jesus shmezus...it's not like you all aren't going to get skin cancer or liver cancer of prostate cancer or something. Fucking high and mighty proselytizers...
That was one of the funniest stories I have read in a long time. I almost started crying from laughing so hard. I once got into a similar fight with a clerk (though not nearly as funny of a fight) and I actually got mad enough at their lack of addition skills that I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote it out. That was over the line. I'm glad you did not write the math out for the clerk; it just makes you feel like an ass later. I'm flying home today and am really sad. Call me.
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