AND conversation of the day

Me: So...about a week ago some Russian dude took control of my corner and is selling drugs from 8-10 while blasting Eminem.

Sio: Shit, girl. You need to be calling the cops on that shit.

SIDEBAR

[Sio grew up a block away from me in the 70s. My neighborhood aint shit now - but it was the hardcore ghetto at that point. We talkin' Compton/Holly Grove/Bowen Homes/Marcy/Nth Ward kinda shit. But I digress...]

Me: Well it's crazy that shit hasn't self regulated yet, you know?

Sio: For sure. Who's slackin'?

Me: I don't know. Generally that shit is kept pretty tightly under wraps. We are in no way an obvious neighborhood these days. But shit...you'd think that would have been regulated on by now.

Sio: You should call the cops.

Me: No I'm laying back in the cut for now. I'd really prefer to not be "that bitch."

Sio: Gotcha

Me: Besides...you gotta respect the fact he plays by dorm rules.

Sio: [doubled over laughing] We've got to start you a blog one of these days!

Dreams

During cardio the other day, C. Diddy and I were discussing dreams. For years now C. Diddy has been having a reoccurring dream wherein she's terrified of some major change occurring within the dream - makes total sense. I discussed with her the dream I've been having for years. I'm being chased by someone. Who it is changes and the whom is never actually important. I'm always one step ahead of my pursuer, but I'm always running, running, running. From something. Makes sense...right?

But tonight I remembered the other dream I've had sense...god only knows when. I'm screaming and screaming and screaming! I'm crying out so hard - I use every ounce of muscle and iota of strength to scream out at the top of my lungs! But nothing comes out. Sometimes I can squeeze out the tiniest sound...even though I try and try and try. Interesting...right?

Time Keeps On Slippin, Slippin, Slippin...Into the Future...

Sorry - just kidding. I'm clearly high right now. It's probably because I am in the aforementioned altered state, but I just can't get over how fast time is slipping away from me right now...and also thinking about my relationship with time in general.

On one hand, I feel like time is flying by me. This week has been insanely long and stressful for me. All the same, I just realized it's Wednesday night and I only have two work days left. Long as they were, the first couple days of this week also managed to woosh by. Not to mention, it's already midway through August (Back to School! Shoutout to my GS peeps!) Every day slides into the next like nothing ever happened and then one day you look back and it's been a year...five years...a lifetime...since whatever happened...

My father's posthumous anniversary was August 4th. 9 years, thank you for asking. I forgot all about it until the 12th. Good? Bad? Meaningless? Regardless, I feel bad for forgetting. I also feel like it was just yesterday when my first and last thought every day was of my father and I wished for a part of the day when he wasn't part of my thoughts...and finally he isn't...

So time is flying by at a crazy rate, right? But then there's that other part of me, the part that feels like my life is stretching in front of me like an endless canvas. Blank. Needing to be filled. Exhausting. So there's this sense of the infinite nature of life and how time relates to that...yet also that of time rushing by.

As I keep saying these days, "you're blowing my mind, man."

Seriously, it's weird. How can I feel like I have so much life to fill up when at the same time I also feel like my life is passing me by in the blink of an eye? I'm not sure. All I can think is that I've been stifled by the colossal ennui of having to live out the rest of my, say, 75 or so years. I've found it oppressive and overwhelming and have been hiding out, trying to while away as much time as possible to just get it all over with. But for one thing, that's most likely making the time feel all the longer.

And for another, it's time I start taking advantage of the time and youth I have now while it's rushing by. Considering how fast the last couple of days, this year, since graduating college, since college, since my father's death, since my father was alive, since I was in high school, since I was a child... well, it just seems like maybe I should take advantage of every day I have because soon enough I'll be looking back on those days...years after they've long since passed.

But what do I know? I'm just high.
Signing off.




PS Have I used this posting title before? Anyone? Seems like something I'd use, right?

So I got off the phone...

And I scream "FUCK YOU!"

TJ looks surprised, to say the least.

"FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!!!!!!"

TJ continues to look at me, slightly scared. Then she gets up and starts nervously chewing on her bone. I guess we're both on edge.

I know. I know...you don't need to tell me. If this is how the typical phone call with my boyfriend goes...it's time to break up. Like I said, I know. I just don't know how.

"FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!!!!!!"

He pisses me off. He pisses me off to no end. No, this isn't some hot, Italian love affair. He's a mick and I'm a mutt. This is just the end of love. It's not even love gone wrong.

I love him to death. I do. I really do. Which is why I only want the best for him. So I give him the best advice I can. But he doesn't want to "be told how to live." I'm not telling him how to live. I'm trying to tell him what life is like. I know I'm not older. But maybe I am wiser. At the very least I've been out there and I've lived and I've learned a thing or two. Maybe I can tell him something about it. Maybe I can help him learn a lesson or two the easy way.

I guess the hard thing for me is learning that he doesn't want to live his life that way. He wants to live life his own way with his own rules in his own time.

Well, sure. I know what that's like. I used to be like that. I never wanted to hear what my older sisters knew. I wanted to live my own life for myself. And then I turned, like, 16 and got over myself. Life aint like that, sweetie. Don't just ask me. Ask anyone who's been there. If you've got an easy out - you take it. 'Cause life is hard enough without trying to live it the hard way.

I'm not saying he's 16. I'm just saying, you know, get over yourself. It's all well and good to live your life, but if someone has something valuable to say...why not listen? I just don't understand.

Well, fuck you. I love you, I do. I love love love you. You're my first love and you'll always be a very, very special love. But it just can't be like this anymore.

But I can't live like this anymore. So fuck you. Fuck you for making me fall in love. And most importantly - fuck you for pushing me away.

Love, always. I promise.

State of the Union Address

It's been awhile, but I feel like it's time for another State of the Union address...especially (spell check says I spelled the word wrong - what do you think?) as it's late at night (11:30 - fuck off, I'm old on the inside) and I'm drunk (I like parenthesis). I suppose the union consists of the following subsets: love, life, work, professional development and puppies.

In terms of love, I think the nation of Serlandia is well aware the situation is shaky. An attack was made last February, which rocked the land to its inner core. Despite fighting valiantly against external forces, love appears to be losing. I don't know what more to say except to quote the card posted across from my bed, "I wish my heart had a map to tell my heart where to go." In other love news, I feel highly unlovable which is hard to rectify with the fact I know everyone loves me except for the person I which would love me (who I think does love me, but not enough to be inspired to enact major life changes to save his life from a life without ME.) So I feel loveless. Which makes me feel worthless. Except for I know I am loved...just not by the person I wish in the way I wish. Oh, woe is me.

In terms of life, I'm alive. What more do you bitches want??? Before I started writing this blog entry I was seriously considering suicide until I realized I have a dog and who in the hell would take on TJ? And by that I mean in the days before I was discovered. But in any case, the thought came to me that people with dogs probably rarely consider suicide. Both because you can pull your pup in for a cuddle whenever you need one and the overarching fear that your dog will start eating you as soon as you die. What can I say? I was raised in a harem wherein I read Delores Clairborne at way too early an age.

So, pro dev (as the cool kids say it). As my friends know (all 5 of you!!!) I've been working hard on preparing for the GMAT. To get my personalized critique from my GMAT class instructor I needed to finish my third practice GMAT before midnight PST tonight. While I was successful in completing that practice test my score dropped 80 points in the last month. However (a) I hate motherfucking excuses and (b) I suck. Since I haven't *technically* set a date to take my test all that shit is just practice, but I still have a bee in my bonnet about that shit. In other professional development, no one is buying on the site right now, so we have no accounts, so I'm essentially a redundant employee, which means my ass is most likely on the line should (when?) budget cuts come. Thanks assholes who couldn't afford their mortgage in the first place. Thanks a whole fucking lot.

Puppies are puppies and it's spring, so it's a good ass time. Enjoy: http://www.dailypuppy.com/. And if I kill myself before we speak again...well, at least you heard it here first.

PS: TJ says woof.

Back in Business!

The gods of passwords are smiling upon me...I some how remembered my password from a year and a half ago. I shall start posting presently...although chances are the only who will know is Elliot (I assume he still has me in his RSS feed.)

August Already?

Well, well, well. It's funny how things turn out. For instance, Mark came back to work the Monday following my last post. So I didn't get that great promotion. Or for another example, it's funny how Mark came back and my work load doubled. In any case, I still really love what I'm doing and I'm even still in love with my company. Not to mention, I think my boss is fucking awesome and I get rewarded for the work I do so it's really not all that bad.

Although the last two 10 hour days with no lunch break have been a bit tiring.

In other work news, Claire now interns at my company. She's in the marketing department which is great because advertising works very closely with marketing, but we're not actually in the same department. Although, it's also funny that Mark supervises both of us.

In non-work related news, I've taken up playing the Sport of Kings. Yes, my friends, that's right. Motherfucking croquet. Now, a lot of people have been quite taken aback by this new habit. But that's only because they don't understand how AWESOME it is and how it's the MOST FUN EVER!!! I thoroughly recommend it. Any sport that you can play while smoking and drinking is alright by me. And you've got to love the secondary goal of the game - to talk as much shit as possible. Right now I'm playing with a shitty $15 set bought at everybody's favorite chain store - Target. I plan to ask for a nice set this Christmas. In the meantime I'm hoping the Target set makes it that long. As is, the bag has already fallen apart on me. Did I mention I've only played one game with it???

In TJ news, the mongrel got herself quite the case of fleas over the weekend. I spent all day on Sunday exterminating the house and my belongings. I just don't understand. She's so little, how are there so many of them? The issue seems to be resolved at this point, but I still have another full can of flea spray just in case.

In weather news, it's been mainly beautiful here with a little bit of too cold and a big dollop of way too hot.

I'd like to close with what is a bitter tradition in my life - the bitch ballerinas are back on the buses. Not that this is news, they've been around since late June, but I haven't technically mentioned them yet. So you understand how it's almost news. In any case, I hate those little brats so much. Here's the thing (aside from my rants last summer about them filling up the buses which is STILL TRUE - especially with the MUNI cut backs,) if the little brats followed the rule of the bus I would be much more friendly with them. But no. They just don't get it. And I've witnessed people scream the rules at them enough times that they should really fucking get it. Move back as the bus fills up (yes, girls. Even if your friend is sitting down in the front. Your ass keeps moving down. Stop being so goddamn codependent.) If the bus is packed, get into position for the door before your stop instead of just as the doors are closing. Don't litter. Et cetera. Bitches. Anyway, I know USF starts back up in a couple of weeks so the brats will be gone soon enough. Finally, I'd like to share my friend Esther's remark on the girls "if they were any good, they'd be with a company which wouldn't let them show up for class looking like such sluts." Sho 'nuff.

It's D-Day!

So it's D-Day. Or make that FUM-Day. Translation = Fuck You Mark Day. He's still not back. Make that 24 days MIA. So, it's been strongly hinted at that today is the day he's fired. I still have no idea what the fuck that's all about. Is he in rehab? Is he at the World Cup? Did he just totally loose it? I have no idea. In any case, along with the hinting that Mark is getting fired comes the hinting that I'm going to be promoted to...Mark's position.

Now, let me explain something about Mark's job. He is not an executive here. However he is, like, a smidgen below that. So, basically he's an executive. I am not an executive. I don't have the experience, training, wisdom, training, breadth of knowledge, training or any idea what the fuck to do should I be put in charge of advertising. And I really haven't been trained for it either. I know that advertising is sort of a baptism by fire sort of thing, but this is really fucking ridiculous.

I've been staring at my screen for the last 2 hours freaking out over all of this. Yeah. And it really seems like they want to put ME in charge. That doesn't seem like the smartest move to me...I mean, come on guys. At least wait until AFTER my 90 day review.

On the plus side, I was told to expect a fatty raise should this all play out.

I'd still prefer for Mark's ass to just show back up at work.

In other news the 4th was lovely. Played croquette in the park (and it was kick ass, so you keep your snide comments to yourself.) Went to two barbecues. Could actually see fire works, even in my neighborhood. It was a 4th of July miracle of sorts.

So, how are you???